The Daddy Diaries - Part 3 - Only a Mother

I would like to preface this entry by making it noted that I have nothing against ugly people, indeed I consider myself a proud member of their clan. Well, that’s not 100% true, I only have a problem with people who are ugly AND:

1. Are so out of obstinacy
2. Have significantly contributed to their state (adorning with or protruding pieces of metal from central features would be included here)
3. They are ugly because they’re from Swansea

This week we had another scan on our child and found out that he’s in the 97th centile for weight but just below average in height.

So, short and fat, then. This brought to the fore of my mind one of my secret fears about becoming a father; I find babies…unsightly. There, I’ve said it. They have rolls of fat, weird shaped heads and have unknown disasters down their trousers – a room full of new-borns bears too much resemblance to a pub full of Glaswegians for me.

The way I saw it, there was a 50-50 chance of the baby being attractive. But now I learn the most unfortunate quirk of evolution awaits my off-spring. In order to reassure fathers that the child their partners have delivered are indeed composed of their genetic material, new babies tend to look like their fathers. Poor blighter. As if the prospect of being forced to learn how to complete a fiendish Su Doku as soon as he hold a pencil was n’t bad enough…

My problem is not that our child will be unpleasant-looking. It’s that I won’t be able to honestly say that he’s beautiful or perfect. Quite how everyone else seems to be able to stare at the bruised, misshapen mite they’ve produced then coo and lovingly say how gorgeous he/she is I will never know. I just can’t do this with any degree of integrity. What kind a father does this make me? What kind of person does this make me???

Oh, and if I ever told you that your baby was beautiful, then yours was the exception…honest.

The Daddy Diaries - Part 2 - Naming Conventionally

Lionel and Joyce sat and joyfully discussed the name of their first-born. After taking account of the thoughts of friends and family, they made a short-list and after carefully deliberation eventually settled on Jeffrey for a boy. He was relentlessly teased in the playground because of this name, emotionally distroying him. Jeffrey grew up to be a very bad boy. Mr & Mrs Dalmer had chosen badly, indeed. OK, I'm guessing at some of the details, but it could well be that David Dalmer would have been a mild mannered vegan.

How does one go about assigning a label to an individual who you don't even know yet? I've heard that many Sikhs adopt the tradition of randomly turning the page of a book and choosing a name beginning with the first letter of the first word on the page. Chances are that we'd get Q and have to choose between Quentin and Qwerty and frankly I'm not sure which would lead to more teasing (but speed-typing ones name could offer significant benefits).

Phonics are far more important than I originally would have thought. Firstly, does it rhyme or alliterate...so Wayne and Bobby are out. Then, does it sounds like it might be used by a serial killer, genocidal world leader or reality TV star in the next eighty years. And finally, how does it roll off the tongue when preceded by "Nobel prize winner..." or "I'll have Fries with that please..."

My elder brother was named Richard and I'm pretty sure that re-use of his initialled clothing was a factor in my naming. If it hadn't occurred to them that an R can be changed to a B, I'm pretty sure that my younger brother would have been Ryan (rather than Brian) and we'd have been on the way to being an invasion band - Ricky, Robbie, Ryan and the Basinheads.

None of this gets us very far towards actually choosing a name, though. We're wandering towards the idea of naming our son after a favourite character from a book or history in the hope that he will emulate their feats or character. Is it too much pressure on an unborn child - that they will one day out-wit pheasants with the cunning use of sleeping pills and/or pull thorns from Lion's paws?

Any suggestions welcome.

Except Jeffrey.